“Real porn for grown-ups” – Review


“When Andy reveals to Ailsa that he has something beautiful coiled up in his pants…”

Threesomes 1 jpeg (2)

Letters Around Midnight, Threesomes Volume 1

Carla Croft strikes the most sexy, confessional tone in the first in her ‘Letters Around Midnight – Threesomes’ series.

Carla’s literary device of having friends and sometimes strangers relate their most thrilling sexual experiences to her – the writer – draws the reader right in to the story in a most intimate way.

She marries her confessional tone with a sizzling flair for erotic description.

This volume’s three stories each feature erotic scenarios which play on the idea put about by much pornography that only fellas think and talk – and even obsess – about sex.

Well, it ain’t just them, us girls do too.

The first story is related by Ailsa, an old college friend of the writer. She tells how she was betrayed by her useless boyfriend, Dave, and took instant but unplanned revenge – with his mate Andy.

The story literally springs to life when Andy reveals to Ailsa that he has something beautiful coiled up in his pants!

The middle story sees Chrissy, a sexpot librarian, go to a music industry party in a country mansion with her boyfriend Ian.

When drunken Ian passes out with a sexy guitarist Johan at his side, Chrissy slips under the sheets between them to keep warm.

There follows an achingly erotic sequence in which Chrissy and Johan silently pleasure each other in the darkness and silence of the night – with the cuckold Ian at their side.

Finally, we meet Beverly, whom the writer meets on a kind of erotic author blind date. Beverly, an ice maiden, has a story to tell.

She readily admits to being a “predator”, who was so badly treated by her first boyfriend that she now finds it impossible to get emotionally close to a man.

But, ever the control freak, she employs hunk Mark with the intention of taking advantage of him.

Beverley plays dominatrix in the office and they have hot sex – but there’s a painful twist in the tale for Mark.

This is the first of Carla’s Threesomes, a short book in which she honed her style.

I love it. It’s real porn for grown ups: ladies and, yes, of course, blokes too x

Toys, Pillows & the Washing Machine: Sex Around the Home

The housewife sitting on the washing machine to get all heated up during the spin-cycle is an old joke which raises a few sniggers.

But it contains a truth about our ability to find stimulation and eroticism in all kinds of household objects.

Some of these are electrical, some obvious, some edible but many – at first glance – would seem to have no sexual currency at all. This last group is often the most interesting.

We each find an erotic charge where we want to.

Close your eyes, squeeze your thighs together and take an imaginary trip around the average house.

Over there is the comfortable arm of a soft chair; there, a coffee table at which one might squat, legs astride.

A fruit bowl is filled with colour, tender skin holding in a flood of juice.

In the bedroom, the crisp sheets are turned down and out peek two soft, plump pillows.

althea lynn2

There is a line of clothes in the closet, all kinds of materials for touch to sense, a feast of colour for the eye. There are soft shoes spilling out onto the floor, all shapes and sizes, heels and flat; used and new; shiny, shiny, knee-length boots of leather; dress shoes with toes pinched tight. Kinky boots, one and all.

Look at the corner of the bed, just right for riding, or how about the smoothly-turned bedpost?

A big rough teddy bear sits in the corner, its stubby arms ready to be held flat, its belly stuffed and plumped.

Two mirrors reflect back at each other. A figure between them could see his or her reflection bouncing back and forth into infinity.

From the bathroom comes the slow, steady drip of water from the shower-head, curved, cupped like a hand.

The sun drenches a wicker chair in the suburban conservatory.

In the garage, a gym and games room bursts with tactile, humpable objects. An exercise bench cries out for inner thighs. Exercise balls await to be straddled.

The baize of a pool table tingles and crackles under fingertips.

There, hung on a hook on the wall, is a riding saddle and a thin, black whip.

The Polish film-maker Walerian Borowczyk saw the things we surround ourselves with as anything but neutral.

In his four-story film, Contes Immoraux (Immoral Tales, 1974), he creates a shockingly erotic segment featuring actress Charlotte Alexandra.


Charlotte stars as a girl whose dedication to God reveals itself as a burning lust when she is unjustly banished to her room.

And there Borowczyk’s fetishism and eye for the erotic in everything becomes almost stifling.

As she touches items like religious objects and Victoriana in the closed room, the objects are vested with a sexual charge. Their touch seems to awaken her.

Charlotte kisses a small wooden idol and touches the faces in the picture on the wall. Then she finds a book containing pornographic sketches.

Believing that the Holy Spirit delivered the naughty book to her, she undresses and caresses a cucumber, which she slides between her thighs.


The scene is filmed in silence, except only for the noises of the sheets crackling against her skin, her growing gasps and the cucumber entering her. (I drew heavily on this scene when depicting Lady Gemma’s sexual awakening in ‘Pantsdown Abbey’.)


In another of his films, Behind Convent Walls (1977), a nun finds a large timber chip from a woodcutter’s block and carves it into a dildo, while another sister enjoys the eroticism of her violin (and why not?).

Away from this pretence of art, punter-led resources like Yahoo groups give some insight into all our sense of the object-erotic.

If you look hard enough you can find videos too, which show women masturbating by riding pillows and – in one case – a large, stuffed gorilla wearing a strap-on.

Cuddly toys, indeed.

Lucky Gorilla


*Thanks to my friend Eddy Vale for introducing me to ‘Immoral Tales’. I owe him one!

Sex – Roman Style

Sharing a meal with someone in Roman times created an intimate bond with them – but having sex did not.

A fun concept for modern minds to get your head around – and one that led to an openness towards sex and to having multiple sexual partners in Roman society.

Men, of course, came off the best.

For the man, sex with a slave was not adulterous, and sex with a free-born man or woman was only adultery if they were not doing it for money.

Women could risk extra-marital activity too but at the risk of pregnancy and disgrace.Roman Sex - Pompeii

But, then as now, women found cunning ways to find pleasure.

Author Vicki Leon wrote in ‘The Joy of Sexus: Lust, Love & Longing in the Ancient World’  that the men and women of the 1st Century AD had some fascinating obsessions:

“Buttock worship. Aphrodisiacs. And anti-aphrodisiacs. X-rated celebrity antics. Illustrated porn by female writers. Biodegradable dildos.”

Er, yes, biodegradable dildos… or breadsticks.

Vicki wrote on The Huffington Post: “It began in a bakery B.C., where a gal with time on her hands started fooling around with bread dough.

“While lasciviously daydreaming, she created an olisbo-kollix: the breadstick dildo, the sex industry’s first green product. From this moment on, lonely widows in Arcadia, unsatisfied moms in Athens, and partnerless gals on Lesbos had a DIY pal, discreet and disposable.

“Custom made to fit; even nutritious, should the need arise. (Think I’m making this up? If only my imagination were that good!).”

Ah, bread, the stiff staff of life!

‘Pantsdown Abbey’ is a heaving bosom of fun, frolics and fornication

Pantsdown Abbey

Pantsdown Abbey

Go upstairs, downstairs and up my lady’s chamber in the new novella, ‘Pantsdown Abbey’!

Where bodices are ripped, wenches are comely and buxom, and cads are handsome as sin.

‘Pantsdown Abbey’ is a heaving bosom of fun, frolics and fornication.

If PG Wodehouse and Anais Nin had a love child, this would be it!

The story starts with the future of the Pantsdown Estate in doubt. Young Lady May heads to Edwardian London to seek to ensure she inherits what’s hers.

But it is hot in the city – and no-one needs to dress for the kinds of parties her hostess is having.

Back at Pantsdown, the gorgeous, jodhpur-clad Countess, Caroline, is enjoying more than a cream tea in the afternoons – having discovered the gamekeeper’s chopper deep in Pantsdown Woods.

And something is stirring for His Lordship too. The saucy new maid has got plans for him. Her name is Grey – but will they get along just spankingly?

This filthy new book has something for everyone.

Load up your Kindle, take a deep breath and prepare yourself for Pantsdown!