The People of Pantsdown Abbey: an introduction

Living at Pantsdown Abbey during the early years of the twentieth century, as this story begins, is the 9th Earl, a most handsome, broad-shouldered figure in his 46th year who has enjoyed a long, happy and fruitful marriage to Caroline, the Countess of Pantsdown, who is every bit as easy on the eye, and just two years younger.

The pair was coupled together in the usual way for English aristocracy – and they are of course distantly related – but their relationship is a true and loving one… even if on some occasions what each is truly doing is loving another. Or at least lusting after another. The Earl liked to think of himself as the Roman Emperor Hadrian and of the Countess as his wife, Sabina. There would be dalliances but they always returned to the other with courtesy.

They had three daughters. Lady May, aged twenty-four, Lady Gemma, twenty-two, and young Lady Charlotte, nineteen. They were ladies in search of a suitor, ladies with little to do but look fine and spend long days developing the tautness of thigh and buttock which may flourish through spending long hours in the saddle.

Each, though they did not quite yet know it, had their own special charms to dangle before the menfolk of the area.

All three had inherited their mother’s fine figure and their father’s sharp wit. Sharp wit, you understand, in comparison to other members of the aristocracy, then a largely humourless breed.

Each had strong backs, backs which the erotic writers of Greece mythology would have them arch like swans in the most intimate moments.

Each had the confident gait of a lady awaiting a fortune and a handsome suitor.

Lady May was the thinnest. But it was a slimness that held two firm breasts and a narrow face which gave little of her emotions away.

Lady Gemma – flame-haired like her mother – was the most aloof. Her cutting tongue disguised a rampant desire to shred the constrictive frigidity of her breeding. In other words, she could not stop thinking about it.

Finally, young Charlotte. A free spirit. A dreamer. The stable boys queued up to prepare her for a day’s ride. But, as yet, like her sisters, she had been no man’s.


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Pantsdown Abbey takes tea before five – revolution!

A fun excerpt from life at Pantsdown Abbey. The day the family took tea before five.

Following Lady May’s announcement the family decided to take their tea in the drawing room a little earlier than usual. It was just four-thirty and the first time in the butler Mr Barker’s living memory that tea had been taken before five.

It quite put him off.

“You are very pale, Mr Barker,” the housekeeper, Mrs Gladeye, said when she met him in the kitchen corridor.

“Four-thirty,” replied Barker hoarsely. “His lordship wishes to have tea in the drawing room at four-thirty.”

“Hardly revolution, Mr Barker.”

“But it’s not right, Mrs Gladeye. They always take tea at five. Sometimes a little later if they are awaiting a guest. But never, NEVER, before five.”

“I can see it upsets you a great deal, Mr Barker. Ask Janice to find you something to settle your stomach.”

“I will. Where is she? Has she the scones and cakes prepared? We can’t be late. It may be a change of which I disapprove, but I will not be defeated by it!”

“Yes, yes, she seemed to finish early, then nip off rather quickly. She’s here somewhere.”

Neither was aware of the slight banging noise which was at that moment throbbing through the servants’ quarters. The everyday sounds of a late afternoon at Pantsdown seemed to drown it out. It was caused by a large wooden box filled with bags of grain which was being rhythmically propelled against the back wall of one of the downstairs’ storerooms by Janice’s back.

In turn, Janice’s back was being rhythmically propelled against the box by Janice’s front which was fitted snugly around the head gardener Green’s loins as he came back for second helpings from the kitchen maid.

“They will want cream, as well,” said Barker.

“I think Janice is getting some,” answered Mrs Gladeye innocently.

‘Pantsdown Abbey’ is just £1.02 on Kindle UK.

‘Pantsdown Abbey’ is just 99 cents on Barnes & Noble Nook.

‘Pantsdown Abbey’ is just $1.54 on Kindle US.

‘Pantsdown Abbey’ is just 99 cents on Smashwords.

Pantsdown Abbey

Pantsdown Abbey